An Artist Consultation and a finished painting.

I finished a painting yesterday. It’s an oil painting and I’ve been working on it for about a month. It might be the last painting for this year’s collection before I begin a new thing, I’m not sure yet. GAH! There is so much I want to create, so much exploring to do, and there is an anxiousness in my body for something new and different. Not new, actually, very familiar. I’ve felt this feeling before. It comes when I’m preparing for a shift in my work, and a need to explore. This is why I think this painting is the last for this oil collection, for now, because I want to take the next few months to explore and discover new things about myself as an artist.

Let me tell you why…

I did an artist consultation recently because I believed myself ready to pursue gallery representation and I wanted some guidance. My mentor encouraged me to make an appointment right at the beginning of our May mentorship (and I am so glad she did, she’s been the best person to help with navigating this).

Because I wanted to be represented be galleries, I needed to know what direction to go in, how to get started, and the consultant gave me exactly that. However, it wasn’t how I’d imagine it would be. My silly, amateur- self imagined her complimenting me on my “great work” and joyfully pouring out wisdom and encouragement. What kind of egocentric and overly confident human being thinks so highly of themselves? I literally laugh at my naivety.

The consultant gave me what I needed, a gentle slap in the face to realize my true values and intentions. I didn’t realize this in the beginning, however, and instead I left that appointment with a bruised ego doused in salty confusion. She reminded me on just how difficult the art world can be, she criticized my work, and let me know that I might not make it. She mentioned that it is more difficult to pursue figurative work and portraiture in the gallery world, and I might be better off painting landscapes. She suggested that I create a more cohesive body of work and choose a focus (probably good advice). Basically, she attempted to guide me in a direction that would help my dreams become a reality. What she said made sense, it was logical, but her advice twisted my spirit until I plummeted and shifted into the pitied and lowly little creature that hides in their hide-y hole never to see the light again because “sad face”. Melodramatic much? No, not me. Not ever.

It has taken me WEEKS to get over myself. I fell into said “hidey hole” and haven’t wanted to crawl out. It is familiar here, this sweet little cave of mine

I am a feeler, it’s kind of a gift to be honest (and might be why I am an artist in the first place). I feel so deeply, so sensitively, it can sometimes become a problem and keeps me from experiencing the reality of which we exist. When I am in a heightened emotional state, I get trapped inside my body and my mind, and it is hard to get out. I ruminate, over and over, until I get pulled out of the lull by some magical power (time, usually) and find my feet placed upon solid ground once again. Most people call this depression. This is what happened after my appointment with the consultant. I became trapped. I was stubborn. I was bruised. I was tired.

But I didn’t stop painting, drawing, or playing. I didn’t stop thinking, exploring, and wondering. The entire time I felt lost, I wasn’t, I was right where I belonged.

You see, I learned something from this experience. A few things, actually, and that’s why I am sharing this with you.

Here it goes:

I am afraid of not “making it” in the art world.

I am afraid of being forgotten or never even acknowledged (must make my mark in the world)!

I am afraid of being known for one thing and then needing to change and then being rejected for that change.

I know what I want and what I don’t want now.

I want to be accepted for me, all of me.

I don’t want to become trapped.

I don’t need to take the seriousness of my work so seriously all of the time.

I don’t want to be in a gallery that doesn’t allow me to be fluid in my work.

I cannot be rigid, at least not yet, I am still young.

I’ve come a long way and yet there is still a long journey ahead of me (will it ever end? Probs no).

My work is just beginning, there is so much more inside of me that needs to be expressed other than motherhood.

Whatever work lies ahead, it is important, with or without a gallery.

Last but not least, I learned that I don’t have to take advice if I don’t want to. It isn’t a requirement as an artist.

So, that being said, I am going to wait for this painting to dry and then I am going to play. I’m going to take the freedom I have in my sketchbook (which you can totally check out in my last post, I shared a video of the inside of my sketchbook) and bring it to the canvas. I am going to make shitty art and not worry so much about what others say or think.

I am not going to stress about Galleries.

I don’t want to be the kind of artist that creates for the sake of others. I really want to find healing and explore the depths of my soul through painting and drawing and BEING an artist; living the truth that is within me.

All of the work that has led me to this point has been necessary. I needed to learn composition, shape, color, representation, and proportion. The figure intrigues me, humanity intrigues me, and my life as a mother takes precedence over all else. I need to fail and fall and hide and ruminate and FEEL my way through this process, over and over again, and then get back up and try again. I am being formed.

Now, the question I ask myself, how can I take what I’ve learned and begin to break those rules in an effort to become less rigid? Can I do that? Can I practice letting go of what is “suppose” to be and just…be?

I’m excited to find out.

ps. here is the finished painting below!